


I want my Ears Back!

by Nonbendo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonbendo/pseuds/Nonbendo
Summary: like My imomortal, but with 357% more dragons, and also will be different after the first chapter which will consist of like the first 6 chapters or so from my immortal but rewritten.
Comments: 3





	1. Chapter 1

I readed my immortal and it was neat but I wasnted a power metal virsion so I wrute one.

Discalimer: I don't own harry poter.

Hi my name is Epica Stormwrought Mania Phoenix Olzon. And I have epically long blue and purple hair(That's how I got my name) with orange steaks and it drags across the floor sexily as I walk. And purple eyes that seem to pierce into your inner soul. I'm not related to Anette Olozn but I wish I was because she's totes sexy and an amzing singer, but peoepl tel me I luk lik her. I'm a dragon but im usally in human from because im also a withc who goes to a magic scholl called howarts in britishland where im' in the seventh year (im 77). Im a huge power metal fan, and every other music genre is dum and makes me want to stick my head up my own vaigna and sufofcate to death because all the other music is garbage, but shoudln't be shat into the sun becwas the sun wood get sick and trune into a black hole faster and suck the earth up.

I used to make all my own cloths by hadn but now I just conjure all of them, because store bought clothes are mainstrem and dum except my blind guardian and nightwish tshirts which I always where to bed, but I got those at concerts not stores so it's not the same. For example today I was wearing a purple coset with mathing lace and a purple pink tie dye colored miniskirt, pink fluffyfuzz leggings and pumps with many golden spikes. I was wearing purple lipstick to make my lips look purple, foundation, black eyeliner in egyptoin style. I was wearing a gold mulenear necaklace and a gold valnot necklace, a gold trikwatra necklace, and 18 pears of earrings in my pierced ears I also had a mjollnir tongue ring. I was walking outside Hogfarts. It was snowing and raining and cloudy and icing, like a wintry mix and stuff, but I was a dragon so I din't care evan if I wuz in homan from cold weather don't ever bother dragons so I was fine. I roared like a dragon mastearfly. Abuncha mansteam ideats stared at me, so I breathed purple lightning flames at them, and they ran off in shear terroire except for the ones that burned to ashes which was all of them.

"Hey Eoica," shooted a voice. I looked. It was... … … … … … Navel Longbutt.

"What's up Navel?" I asked sweatly.

"Noting," Hed said shyly.

But then he had to go with his friends which made me jello mad but I had to rember that we weren't togethry yet.

AN: Epic, right? Okay it'll go deferent but simile for a while, and the diverge. I thin the first chapter will be all the chapters until it starts to diverge actually, so this one will be real long.

Chapteer 2

AN: tanks to no one for helpin me with dis, I am a sad sad grill that has noone to cook with.

The next day I wok up in my draconic lair. It was connected to hogfats with a potal. Most wizerds and withcs keep their munny in green gotts but I have to sleep on my gold cuz im dragons and a dragon have to sleep on their gold, so instead if anyone but me enters, there's a teleportal spell that telports 10,000 dementor form azkabian into my lair which suck the person sole. And then if they're still alive a giant boot kicks them out and into the sun. I know that's mean but that's why you shouldn't try to steal from dragons and also there's a warning sing written in every language that says beware of dragon's furious taps in every language, and evan if ur illitreat the signs make you abel to read them, so if they enter there relly dumb anyway. My gold was in a hugemonugous pail in the center of my lair, so I could sleep on it easily, and I had a 100 inch falt screen tv on my cave wall and lots of band posters, which were all of power metal bands because all other music sucks and makes me want to rip off my own legs and beat mykelf in the head with them till I die. I looked into my dragon size mirror, and I looked awesoem cause I was a big dark purple dragon with amathist spikes and horns and huge wings that were huge, and I had four giant amathist claws on each of my dragon feat. The amathist was magic amathist that was 6 billion times harder than dyemonds and my scales wear moar indestracticable than wolvering's skelton metal that I can't rember the name of.

It was snowing and ranning outsid again but I was still a dragon so I din't care. I ate some sheep crunchies that I made last night by burning some shepp with my lightning fir breathe. Then I want back to human form but I was nekkid because my band shirts that I sleep in are size ten thousand because I nominally slepp in my drakon form. I really need to get my dragon form down to size 900, but my sweet sheep cakes are delicious. They're basically sheep crunchies but mixed with a lot of flour and sugar and cake ingedients and baked in my lightning and fire breath. so I couldn't go out nekkid like dat well I could but i'd have to breathe fire on all the people who saw me nekkid, that's happened a couple times when I forgot my clothes. so I put on a fancy blouse that had one angel and one devil wing coming out dhe back. But the wings were blue and red instead of black and white, and the shit was purple. I put on skin tight purple jeans. Fortunately my hu man from looks how I want so I nevar look fat even though my dragon form kind of is which is why I like to be in humna form. I put on a gold Helloween Jackalatern. I didn't feel like wearing shoos today so I didn't and wlaked outside bearfoot... or dragonfoot I guess... little joke.

My friend, Nadia (I don't actually really have any friends for this to be... sad face.) grinned at me. She flopped her supper long blue-green hair with purple streanks and opened her lovely pink eyes. She's relaly pale cuz she's an albino. Her hair drug the ground for biles mecause it was long as reepunzul's. She was wearing an iron maiden tshirt, there not techically power metal but there good enough tobe. We hugged and french kissed because we're kind of touchy like that even though we're not darting but are bischedule. She was wearing makeup, but I didn't need makeup becuasese my dragon transomation magic made me look how I want, but sometime I do egyputian style eyeliner because that shit rocks.

We were ating breakfast in the great halo, which we were eating biscuits and gravy and talking. "OMFG I saw you talking to Navel Longbutt yesterday, he's cute, do you lik him," Nadia said exitedly.

"I really do," I admitted. Just as I said Navel happened bi. He blueshed and ran away in sheer terror. I started crying sadly because that reaction celarly meant he hated me.

"He hates me!" I cried sadly.

"No, he blushed before he ran away so he must like you," Nadia said.

"Oh okay, I missed that," I said claming down a bit. I wash happy now.

And tehn someone came up and asked why I wasn't wearing shoes, so I breathed fire lightning on him and bruned him to ahses.

And then Navel came back! And he had a bucket of rosses! And two concert tickets! And he told me brind gardien was having a concerto in hogsmead! And he asked me to go with him! And I stood up and screamed YES with the force of a thousand screams! And I huged him!

Chaper 3

AN: STUP FLAMINGO DIS STORIE MAINSTEAMERS! ok. Odorwise i'll breath fire lightning on you. Okay noboyd's reviewed yet, I just really wanted to say that because it seemed fun to say. But if you read this tahnks for reading. And I don't own harry potter or the lyrics to any famous snogs that exist in this writing time.

On the night of the concerto I put on a dragon costume because It was a halloween concert and I thought it would be funny to be a human wearing a dragon costume for halloween. When navel saw me he chucked because he was wearing an identical dragon costume. I would have been annoyed that he was making fun of my people but I rembered that he didn't know I was a dargon yet because only nadia nose that sofar. Navel took me on a magic carpet, and we whent to teh concerto. And I pretended to shiver to see if he wood cast a wamign charm on me and HE DID! so that proves he's a sweathart.

"Hi Navel," I said gappily as we entered the concerto.

"Hi Epica," He said back. On the way we smoked mariwanya and chiled while listening to blind guardian, we got at the concerto place and went. Whne we got there we hopped off the crappet. We went into the mosh pit and I moshed with the force of a thousand moshings and slammed through instead of into someone who wasn't navel so I wasn't really sad or anything. Dragonforce was playing though the fire and flames, and I raided my noggin toward the ceiling and breathed out fire lightning, burning though the foof. Everyone clapped at me but someone tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at a sign in the moshpit that said "No Professionals," so I had to go sit in the crowd, but I thouht I made my point so I did.

And then evaninscence got on the stage and started playing. They were terrible and made me want to rip out my uterus just so I had something to throw at them. They weren't a power metal band so everyone bood them and hissed them and yelled that they wanted the concert next door at the other club, and then I burned them up with lightning fire breath so the next band came and everyone claped at me again.

"Say goodbye, my friend

Here's your promised end

Be a part of the grand parade

Along we're driven

on and on, it's a grand parade

We're so sorry to say

It's all the same, you will see

On this grand parade

Damnation

Now join the grand parade" It was blind guardian singing grand parade. (I donut own the leyrics to that snog)

"Hansi is so hot!" I shouted, but nobody heard because it was a concerrt and the music was louder unless I really yelled as loud as I could because im a dragon and can yell really loud if I want to, especially in my dragon form but then it's more of a roar. But navel did hear me so he looked sad. I huged him. "Navel, you're silly, You're more hotter plus you're not an old guy, he probaly has eractyel disaffection by now anyway." and I kissed him.

The concerto went on till the night was long, and I had a grate time and so didn't navel. And I drank some shots of rum and got drank. And then we left, and Navel drove the magic carpet into... … … … … the lost woods.

Ch 4

We were flying a thousand miles above the forbidden forest looking at the stars. We were also totally fucking for the first time with the force of a thousand fuckings. I was 77 because dragons are conscious in their eggs and It took sixty years for me to hatch, and Navel was 18 because he used a time turner to repete one of his hogwarrts years because his fourht year really sucked, so it's not like we weren't legal or anything. But we were interipted with a lodd screm of... … … … … … "WHAT THE FLYING SAM HILL FUCKEDKY FUCK DO YOU HOOLIGANS THINK YOU'RE DOIN'!" anyway and it was... … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … DIMBLEDORF!

Cghapter 5

Professor Snape made Navel and I flow him. I tried to fry him with fire lightning breath, but snape was wearing a dragon fire and dragon lightning proof robe and mask unfotunely, so he gave me detention. I tried a lazer breath too but he dodged it. Well, I wasn't going to his stooped detention I knew that. We were still nekkid unfotunely because he wouldn't let us get dressed. I hopped he knew that if I had to breathe lightning fire on anyone else for seeing me nekkid it was on his head.

"ONE HUNDRED MILLIONS PINTS FROM GRYFFINDOOR! TWO HUNDRED MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOOR! THREE HUNDRED MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" sNAPE SHOUTED MADLY LIKE MAD.

"FOR SHAME UPON YOU! YOU FOOLISH FOOLS! WHY WOULD YOU GO HAVE SEX IN THE TREES! FOOOOOOOLISH FOOLS! FOUR HUNDRED MILLION POINTS FOM GRIFFINDO!"

"THERE'S NO SCHOOL RULE AGAINST HAVING SEX!" I protected in barely controlled rage.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THERE'S A RULE AGAINST HAVING SEX, I DON'T WANT YOU FOOLISH HORNY TEENAGERS HAVING FUN!" Schnape schnaid schnidely.

"WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY OUR TENNAGE YEARS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU GRUMPY OLD COOT! AND IM NOT GOING TO YOUR DUMB DENTENTION! I'M GOING OVER YOUR NOGGIN!" and with that I jumped over snapes noggin (ROFOFLMAO! GEDDIT?! CUZ SHE SAID "OVER HIS NOGGIN!") and ran off to dumbladour's office. As the dean, dumbledoar could hepl me. And he's usally raisinable. Snppe ran after me but his pitiful homan speed was no match for that of a mighty dragon, so I beat him there easily.

Dumbledore was sitting in his orifice drinking lemon drops. He smiled up at me and said "Helleo eppica, would you care for a limon droop," Dumbeldore asked. I took one, opened the bottle and started drinking it. And then said "Snape is yelling at me for nothing again," I sighed exasperateldy. "me and navel went to a concert and then we had sex in the forbidden forest, and he took ten hundred million points from gryffindor just for that, and when I pointed out it wanst against howart's rules, he said he wanted us to live a life of unendeing mistery and boredom!"

and then dumbledore said,"Ah I see, I'll riverse that, and snpae back to his armoire," dumbledore replied and did a soell and snaper was back in his orifice. I went back to my gryffindorm and slipt, but I heard singing and wok up, Navel was singing "wear is the wander wear's the awe, wears deer alice knocking on the dor, where is the trip door that takes me there, wear the real is shattered by a mad march hare? I want my tears back!" (AN: I donut own the lyrics to that song) I was amazed that he dispelled the stair slide charm just to come sing to me and smooched his face, but then I got cranky cause I had ben wok up and threw hem inta a wall. And I actually felt bad about it wen I wok up in the morning that's how I knew I loved him.

Chapter 6.

the next day I woke up in my draconic lair and went homan form and put on a rippedy up purple miniskirt and a matching top with orange mulenears arll over it. I also equipped a battle axe to look cool, and put my hair in a braid ponytail around a katana which I used as a hair accessory to braid my hair around. I put on two pairs of dragonclaw earrings. I also tuned my hair full purple.

In the grate hall I was eating some fruity pebbels because I had a stange carving for serial. Suddenly a pearson bumped into me. "YOu MOTHERFUKING IDEA, WATCH WEAR YOUR GOIN!" I shouted like mad.

"sORIRY!" whimpered the whimpring voice of a pore cute guy, he had black hair but he had dyed it red so it was red now and it was a very scarlet red like the one guy from final fantasy 7 but longer, like all the way down to the floor, and he had a bear chest and was only wearing a purple longcoat, but it was a golden purple that looked like gold.

Dargons can see in the ultraviolent specturm, which has that color, so if you're wondering about how that's bdcause im a dragon and can see in the ultorviolent spracturn so can see gold purple colors that are both gold and purple.

"That's okay, you're cute, what's your name?" I aksed.

"I'm hary pooter, but msot pelple call me Dragon these days," He grumped.

"WHHHHYYYYY?!" I wondered aloud.

"Because I love the taste of roast lamb!" He giggled.

"Well, I am a dragon," I declared.

"Really?" he whimpered.

And I turned into my dragon form, turning my cloths in cornfetti and roared "YEAH!" with the force of a thousand roars with such force that it sent dragon flying into a wall which made a dent in the wall and probbly hurt his noggin but I din't know him yet so I dint car, I turned back to human form and looked around to make sure no one saw. Fortunely everyone was on their iphones at the maoment so nobody noticed so I didn't have tokill anyone and eat them. Dragon came on my back. "It's relly cool your a dragon, but I thought dragons were dumb aminals," dragon siad. So I dickpunched him FOR MAKING FUN OF DRAGONS. Then navel came up behind me and toad me he had a suprise for me so I wakked off with Navel to let Dragon think about what he said.

CH7

Naval and I where holding each others hands which hand purple nail polish on them. We went upstairs and I had red thors hamemers on my purple nails in red nail polish. I waved to Dragon, but he was too busy glaring jealously at Navel for some resin, and I knew why but pretended not to. And we went into navel's rom and locked the door. We strarted doin all the sex having, and I knowticed a tatt that navel had and it was cool, but it was a drawing of a dragon with red hair, and I was like "omg r u bi? Dat's awesome!" and I unlocked the door and invited Dragon in and we all had a sex threesome of sex. But I dickpunched Dragon emeditely before his orgazim because I was sill mad about him calling dragons dumb.

Primary point of divergence passed. Processing... long chapter 1, ended. I am being a computre lol.


	2. I want my years back chapter 2

Want my tears back chatper 2.

This is the second chapoter of the story and it's gonna be deferent from my immortal from now on bacause epica ain't enobby.

Disclammer: I don't own Farry [otter.

I woke up in my dragon lair out in the lost woods with Navel Longbutt who I loved and he was sexy and Dragon Potter who was also hot, but had called dragons dumb the other day so I was still mad about that. And since he was still alseep I punched him in the testicles again for it and because we were gonna be late for class and I had to wake him up quickly.

I sweetly and gently spent the next few minutes waking Navel up while Dragon cried in the fatal position. Me and Navel made out a bit and then we all went to class. I punced Dragon in the nuts again for making us late when we got there. This guy was hot, but damn was he ever going out of his way to piss me off ever since I met him. Navel was much nicer.

Meanwhile, snape wlaked into the dungeon potion potion classroom through the secret ceiling passage. He saw that Dragon was on the ground in pain and said, "Get to your seat immediately Dragon, 10,000 points form gryiffindor!" Professor Sanpe was such a jerk, poor Dragon. Dragon got up slowly and hobbled to his seat in agony. I breathed fire lighttning at snope and burned him to asses and he died.

"YAY!" said all the gryffinders in class.

"BOOB!" said all the slytherins so I breathed fire lightning on them too because I thought I forgot my clothes again and that they were looking at me naked, but it turned out they were actullay saying boo and I had my clothes so I killed them all for no reason, so that was kind of unfortunate.

Then dumbledore came in. "Oh no, what happened."

"I goofed," I said, "I thought they saw me naked but they didn't. It was an honest mistake though."

"Oh okay, well be more careful next time." said dumbledore apparating back to his orifice.

And then suddleny blind guarindian came in and started playing a concerto. And me and navel and dragon started moshing with each other but I din't want to kill either of them kuz they were my fiends and I didn't want to kill either of them kuz they were my fireands.

Since class was dismissed cuz snape dead and the concert ended me and neville went back up to the upstairs portal to my dragon lair and we had more sex and soon dragon came too and we all had sad sex with each other sexily. Dragon was eighteen because it was after he defeated voldemort so it wasn't illegal for us to hhave sex with him.

Ual intercourse.

Meanwhile dumbledore was still in his orifice eating his morning porridge, and he was making a amulet for Dragon. It would protect him from death eaters that wanted to resurrect volremort. But I didn't know that till later when he came and told us.

So anyway, When dragon was about to cum in me I punched his balls again because I was still mad about him calling dragons dumbledores. Udmelborskador sent us a patronus that asked us to come to his office so we came.

"Hello Dragon, I have to give you this amulat that will protect you from the Avada Kedavra killing curse of killing," Said Dumbledore with an english accent, and he hadned Dragon a purple amethyst amulet made of my scales which I had given Bumbleboar for this PORPOISE. It would also help prevent the death eaters from forcing Dragon to willingly sacrifice himslef to resurrect moldevort, and would prevent them from forcing permanent polyjuice down his throat and obliviating voldemort's memories into his brain to turn him into another voldermotor.

"What if the death earters attack dragon with a knife or muggle furarm?" asked Navel inteligently. I smiled at him because I thought it was an very inteligent question.

"Death eaters don't attack view muggle measn, don't be ridickalous. Most wizards don't because why would you go around punching people like a muggle when you have magic. That would be dumbsilly. If you have magic you don't go around stabbing things with swords or sutff like that when you can just magic something to death," replied dumbledore.

"oh that makes sense," Re-replied Navel.

"It was still a smart question thoguth." I huged Navel.


	3. Chair 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I dunnown hary pottoer!1111eleventyeleven

I was snugling with Dragon Porter and Navel Longbutt and we were lithening to throw the fire and flams by dragonfarce! Dragon had his new amolet that would protec him from deaf eaters. Sudenly belatrick's strange attecked and tried to crucio dragon and he scremed in agony but he had his omelette now so no he didn't. Instead the spell was reflacted back belatix at back, so bellatrackx screemed in agony instead. "ILL GET YUO FOR THAIS DRAGON POTTER!" bELLATRIX shouted with the force of a thousand shouts. It would have sent draogn potter and us into a wall but it didn't becuuse dragon's amulet and because I was a drogon. But it did send navel flying into a wal, so I got enraged because I luved him. But bella trixie was tired from being hite with her own vrucio and fell asleekp. I also dickpunched harry in the testicles for not stopping navel from being sent fling into a woll.

I tried to breathe fire lighting on bella trax but she had portection from a ritual, so we needed to go aks doombeldeorrore ho3w to klill her. Meanwhile she woke back up and started trying to killl us again. Dumebledeorore suggested driwning her, so I held her under the water until she stopped breathing and turned bloe. Bella T-rex was dead now, so navel's parents stopped being crazified and they met me and we were all friens!

I was in dragon form the next dat skipping through the forest. U breathed fire lightning on all the aragogs in the forest because U was badass like that. But the few surviving aragogs fused together and became a supper spider named Darkness because itthey used dark darkness magica to dark fuse like that! "How dare you attack us who is now me! By the way, i'm darkness, nice to meet you!" roared Darkness. Darkness was really angry and sent an evil darkness blast at me, but it missed becauase it's my story and why would I kill myself off in my own story?!

"I'M EPIKA!" I SHOUTED LIKE MAD! "YA'LL ARE AN INVASIVE SPEECHES, SO I'M CONTORLING YOUR POPOLATION BY REMOVING IT ComPLETELY." I shouted with the force of a thousand shouts!

"THAT'S NOT HOW ENVIRONMENTALISM WOKS!" He roared. Then he left, while singing his declarations that he'd be back.

"I'm pretty sure it is. Dangerful Kreachers shouldn't be allowed to just go around killing people..." I commoented sadly, he was gone though but I would find him if I had to blanket the entire castle in fire lightning breath. Aragogs make a funny squirshalomphus sound when you burn them so I wanted to burn darkness to death. "Except for dragon's because dragon's are really cool and i'm one."

But frsti I went to bed sleep. I slept on my big pial of gold, which empwered me with gold power. The gold power is what powers my fire lightning breath because that's how being a dragon works, that's why dragons like gold. And also because its shiny and prettyful.

The nest day I was in the grate halo eating breafksat. IT was porridge because aparently they eat a lot of porridge in britishland and I was just now told they don't actually have biscuits and gravy because they think that cookies are biscuits but only some cookies because the crunchy ones they think are biscuits but they think very chewy cookies are cookies and they have something like biscuits called scones but they're not biscuits and they're different from scones too. Sorry to brithishland for getting your fudd worng I have never ben 2 britishsland or anywhere else in asia. I was upset because I noticed darkness was sitt ing at the slitherin tablet. That was when dubsmelpore maid a awful horible annunc'ement.

"Good evening everone," said dumbeledor wearing a shoes on his head and hat on his feet, "I have a awful horible annuncement to make. From now on we haves a new student and his name is Darkness! Evenyone neds to make him feel waelcome!"

"But Mister Doctor Dumbledore, You can't just khave dangerious wrathful psider criteriors as stupidents!" I protested.

"You are quiet right, that would be ill eagle! But as far as is know Darkness is a homosapien! As suck he will need to attend hagwarts like the resp of ya'll!"

"HAY! DNOT CALL ME GAY!" Said Darkness. "I'M PROBABLY MORE STRAIGHTER THEN ALL A FYOU!

"I didn't. I am the only gay wiszerd!" reponded dumbledore.

"Oh okay," said darkness. "Gudd, cuz im' not gay!

So I had to find a way to prove drakness was an aragog. This was gong to be diffiecult. I would need to search his dromroom.

"Dragon, how do we prov darkness is an Aragog?" asked I.

"What if we serarch his dromroom?" he suggested.

"THAT'S A 1DERFUL idea!" I repiled. "HE's sure to keelp evidence that he's a spider lying around in his dormroom for some reason. I keep evidence that i'm a dragon lying around in my draconic liar. It is my goigantic pail of good. Wizards and withcs keep their money in green got's the bank. So I myst be a dragon because I have a giant pail of gold in my dorm."

"EXACTLY!" yelled dragon, so I dickpunched him in the nuts for yelling at me.

so that night I burrowed Dragon's invisability cork and snuck into darkness's dorm room with the stealth of a thousand sneakings. I found a letter from darkness that sais "From: darkness." on the envelop part where the address is writen. I opened. It said "Dear someone: This is darkness the aragog. I am an aragog, love darkness the aragog. ps. I am an aragog." excellent. I had my poof. I began wkaling down the upstairs to show dumdeldee the rettel. When suddenly... … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …. …. … "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN' IN MY HETEROSEXUAL SWAMP?!" It was... … … … Darkness the Aragog!

A cliffhunger of evilness! This is a to be continued sort of thing. Mwaha!


	4. I WANT MY ears back CH 4!  Dkiscalimer: I don't own hary powter which is a series of books that I don't own.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HETEORSEXUAL SWAMP?!" demanded Darkness the aragog.

"ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT IM A GAY ARAGOG?!" Darkness the aragog demanded, brekaing the fourth wall. That's a trope where he smashes one of the walls of the building he's in to yell at the author!

Demanded darkness the very heterosexual aragog.

"That's better," boarted Darkness the very straight aragog.

Suddenly Darkness the Aragog's alarm went off! He took out his smartphone and looked at the screen. "Oh, I have to go to snpae's funeral, because all the slitherins do because he'll haunt us forever if we don't and do crazy death ghost magic to us. Don't go anywhere, Illl be back to kill you horribly for invading my heterosexual swamp dorm!" Darkness the very hetersoexual aragog said and then he went.

"Screw that, I'm leaving," I said wisely and we started to leave, but it was hard to find our way because his swamp looked just like the lost woods. Suddenly, I found an invisible door that said secrete door on it. I rerased the extra e and it appeared. We went throat the doort and we was in the warthog kitchen with the hoose elfs. Dooby came. "Yo Epica, wassup?!" said dooby the hoose elf and he was smoking a dooby.

"Can you sned me back to my drom?" I saked.

"Das easy as pie, yo. And If y'all needs anything just come on right back and Dooby'll hook you right up yo!"replied Dooby, snapping his feet to send us back to my dorms. The only problam was it was the grils dorm, so a mighty golem shouted "Y CHROMOSOMES DETECTED!" with the force of a thousand shouts, and it started to punch navel in the balls, but I said "No, I still need thhose!" so it just threw poor navel out and alos dickpunched dragon in the balls! So I dickpunched him too because it was fun and I felt left out. And then it threw draogon down the stairs that were a slide so I had to go check on navel.

"Sorry Navel, the golem actiavites if boys get past the slidey stairs somehow! I didn't know Dooby would send us all to the girls' dorms!" I apologiazed to navel!

"Forutnantly I have the proof letter that proves that Darkness is an aragog!" I said, and we went to Dudmelbor's orifice.

"So you do," said dumbeledor, who had apparently heard me somehow, "I shuporse with this l have no choose but to expel darkness!" suddenly Darkness the very heterosexual aragog burst into the rom. "Are you calling me gay?!" demanded darkness the very heterosexual aragog!

"No." said dumbledore calmly as giant castle hands grabbed darkness the very heteorsexual aragog and threw him out of the castle. "OH NO! I HAVE BEEN EXPELLED!1111111 I'LLL GEEETTTT YYYYOOOUUUU FFOOORRRR THHIIIISSS EECCCIIIPPPAAAA!11111111111111" longshouted Darkness the very heterosexual aragog as he was sent flying to the misnitry of moogic to have his wand snaped!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

"Ara'gogs sneak'ing in'to the sch'ool! So' reou'appd'nani I dun'oo'what its' com'ing to!" Shouted hargrid like a madman.

"It's alright Hagrid, just rlax!" replied Dumbledoor, "I do not begtrudge the margical cresatures wannting to acquise a bester life!"

Dumbledore was a very wis old mango. And it was wise of him to not enrage himself against the critters for birthsumstances, but he didn't understand that sometimes if you idn't judge people by what they are they take adantage and rpae and mordor ya. But only when they're aragogs and not humeans. Dragons, of course, have the right to do whatever they want to anyone or anything because dragons are dragons! This is because as dragons, dragons have a unique authority over the universe and it's laws. If wizerds and withcs tell the laws of physics to sit down and shut up, then with dragons, the laws of physics meekly ask for parmesan before sstnading in the first place.

"I su'pp'ers' mi's'ter dum'ele'do'ra I ard'vas're th'e op'era'tun'ity to' sp'y an ara'gog' an'wya!" hadgrid admitted, "The' tru'th of' the' mana'geri'al is a pre'pos'ter'ous nar'whale!"

suddenly dragon's dragonscale dragon amulet began glowing out purple light all over the place. And a purple chick came out of it and started singing with the force of a thousand songs. It sang all the over place, getting song juice everywhere and it was kind of gross actually, but that wasn't imported because my lair alram went off! SOMEONE WAS STEALING ALL MY DRAGON GOLD! I TURNED INTO MY BIG DRAGON FORM AND FLEW BACK TO MY LAIR! A thief wearing a mask was carying a thief bag full of my gold away from my lair! How did she get past my horrific dragon traps? I would have to find out latter so I could pathc the securtiyy holes! I could tell she was a girl because she weas nekkid except for the mask for some reaons. She saw me and did a fog spell and I couldn't see so I roared the fog away but she was gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111 GOLD! COME BACK TO ME!" I shouted in sheer terroire, the only way to killl a dragon was to take their gold! Someone wanted me dead! But who! Dragons were far too awesome for anyone to want them dead. It made no sense! Sudanly I heard the sound of a million wings flapping furiously. I looked up. IT WAS ALL MY GOLD! IT LOVED ME AND DIDN'T WANT TO ABANDON ME!

"Epica, I love you and didn't want to abandon you!" declared my gold wisely. And then it turned into a hot guy made of gold who was nekkid and had a big gold pens! And that is the cliffhunger of the chpater!

End of chapter.


	5. A title

I want my rear back ch apter 5

Diskclaimer: I don't own happy rotter.

My gold was standing b4 me all sexy and nekkid so I had sex with it. Navel looked angry and jealous, but that was silly bcuz I needed my gold but I couldn't tell him that because what if I wsa ovaryheared. Nobody needed to know that dargons need gold to live except for dragons, it was against the dragon law and I would have to eat him if I told him and not in a good way. so I kept having sex with my gold goldily, but navel got mad and stomred off. Well I wasn't apologizing. Dragon looked jeamous too so I dickpunched him in the nuts "YALL ARE BEING STUPID I CAN MASTERBAIT WITH MY GOLD IF I WONT TOO, IT'S MY GOLD!"

meanwhile with navel somewhere else.

I didn't know this hapeened so ill have to change the narative to thrid person for a while so it can make sense okay, guys. Now navel was balling his poor eyes out like an angry moocow. "Why would SHE CHEATed on me with a pile of gold DANG DARN DAMN it, she nose im bi and would have been okay wit a 3sum. I will get her for this IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO! SHE HAS DISGRACED NOT ONLY ME, BUT THE LONGBUTT NAME!" Navel said.

Everone was staring at him because they had no idear what the hlel he was talking about, so navel went insane with rage and beat the crap out of everyone. Then heromieno came, "Navel, why are you beating the crap out of Everyone, he edidn't do nothing to you."

"THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG HERDMYKNEES, I WAS MONO LOGGING ABOUT GETTING BACK AT EPICA FOR CHEETING ON ME WITH A SAPIENT PILE OF GOD AND HE CAME AND LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS A BRAINLESS, UNTALENTED, BUFFONISH NINCOMPPOOP, AND I COULD JUST TELL HE WAS WONDERING WHAT KIND OF MORON I WAS AND LOOKING DOWN ON ME IN GERNEAL THE ASSHOLISH DIPSHIT THAT HE IS!"

"No!" gaasped hermonie, "I was worng about soemthing, that's IMPOOSSSIIIBBBLLLEEE!"

"I'M AFRAID SO!" Navel roared with a rath unmatched by that displayed by god's insain ovaryaction during the grate flood!

"What would you doo to get back at her?" Asked hemproide.

"NETHING!" RAVEL navel!

Sudenly hemproide took off her face that was a mask and was darkness the very heterosexual aragog, but he was a female and a homan.

"But you're supposed to be a male aragog," Navel ponted out so she kicked navel in the nuts.

"I'm still heterosexual, but I relaized I was tarnsgender!" Darkness the very heterosexual aragog said angrily, "nad also transheepeas. I idintify as a human so I darnk a humanification portion. Now likc my bots," so the author zapped her.

"WE'RE GOING TO KEPP THIS FIC T RATED, WE MIGHT DO A SEPARATE THING LATER ON ARHCHIVE OF OUR OWN LIKE WITH LIKN HAS OODLES OF SEX!"

so they had to waiith a minute for them to revocer before they could continue.

"So where was I?" asked darkness the very heterosexual human, "ah yes, the author didn't want you to lock my boats so I guess I have to move on form that. So anyway, I can help you get rivenge on her but we have to serpate her from her gold."

"oh okay," said navel.

"Yeha, and then I can kill her."

Navel wasn't sure he wantd to go that far, but he devided to go along with it for nao.

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH EPICCA ADN HER GOLD

back to epicsa's pov lol.

Epicas and her gold were still having sexual INTERCOURSE! While dragon was recovering from her dickpunch. When he got up she dickpuched him again to make sure he knew what he did.

Then oclin creamery showed up, "hi epica, ur hot," he said looking at me nekiid but I forgot that I was neikid so I said "Thanks," and then he was all, "no problem, anyway I wanted to aks yuou if you want to join the photophagry club?"

"Yeah sure," I said. I actyally like footography.

"Who's your fiend?" Asked colin.

"My gold," I replied.

"Well, he shoud has a name. How about Goldy." colin suggested.

"God idea," I replied.

Then coling left.

"He saw you naked, but you've been dickpunching me all the time so im not gona tell you that." Dragon said.

"YOU JERK!" I Shouted and dickpunched him again supper very hard with the force of a thousand dickpunches because if I knew that I would have flown after colin and ate him but since dragon dint tell me I couldn't do that.

Then I said "hey goldy, do you eat?"

"No," sad oggldy, "I'm a consturct made of gold, and gold doens't eat fudd.

"That sucks, but I'm hungary. Lets og to the grate hall.

End of chapter 5.

Muahahahaha the plot thickens like a bowl of delicious maple and borwin sugar oatmeal left out after kooking. See ya'll next chaper.


	6. Chapter 6

3Chapter 6

Discssalmander: I dont' owen happy rotter for the millionth bazillionth time! I hat3 docslaimers!

Me and my gold and dragon were eating cheese and meat in the grate hall for lunch because it was sandwitch day but I din't like bread so I made them not eat bread either. But goldy din't eat because it was a shiny golem made of gold (RROOFFFFLLLLMMMMAAAAOOO GET IT! LIKE A SHINY FIDDLE MADE OF GOLD BUT A GOLEM IT IS NOT A PUN BUT A COUNTRY SONG JOKE! I'M SO FUNNY I FORGOT TO LAUGHT AT MY OWN JOKES AND THEN REMEMBERED TO LAUGH AFTER A WHILE AND WENT BACK IN TIM TO SLAP MYSELF SILLY FOR FORGETTING TO LAUGH!) sso it was relally dragon that was the only one bothered by the bread ban but he was afraind to ask anything about because he was afraid I would dickpunch him in the balls again. So I dickpunched him in the balls for being afraid of me, he shouldn't be scared to ask me about stuff!

So then hermione came in agnrily, but it wasn't hermione because hempriode was aready in the greate hall and because hermione was wearingn a fake hemrione mask, but hermione wasn't so it must've been Drrkness the Very Heterosexual Aragog what wasnted to steal my gold.

"Hi hermoine," sad dragon so I dickpunched him for being dumb.

"THAT'S NOT HERIMONE THAT'S CLEARLY DARKNESS THE VERY HETEROSEXUAL ARAGONG BECAUSE HEMPROIDE IS ALREADY IN HERE. REEXPEL THIS ARAGOG!"

"HOLD ON THERE MATEY!" shouted Darkness the very heterosexual Aragog! "I'm a transpecias! You can't reexpel me!"

"Ah, but you can't be restudentified either because you were already expleed," I ponted out wisely.

"She's right," Doombleedoreodor sad apologetically as giant hands of castlestone reached down to garb darkness the very heterosexual human, and through him out.

"OH NO! I HAVE BEEN EEEXXXPPPEEELLLLEEEDDD!" said darkness the very heterosexual human. But when I wnet back to goldy and dragon goldy was gone!

"WHERE'S GOLDY," I demanded of dragon as I froced his legs apart and repeatledy stomped on the dragon balls (get it? Get it?! GET IT?! IT IS A HILFARIOUS DRAGON BALLZ PUN THAT IS EPICALLY HIRALIOUS AND I'M FUNNY AND LEGIT PROUD OF THAT ONE BECAUSE IT'S HILFARIOUS!)

"Navel kidpanned him!" Dragon shouted like mad.

Navel took goldy?! That explained why dragon didn't stop him, he must have been so shcocked at navel's horrible betrayal that he didn't evan have time to react.

"Come on, we have to cathc them," I said, noticing my hair quackly turning white, I grabbed dragon by his balls and dragged him along, forcing him to run to keppup with me to avoid me pulling them off.

We got to where navel was, but he was already someplace else, but he had left a not for me.

"Mwahahaha you cheated on me so im takin your gold to teach you a liaison, love Navel Longbutt, aka the guy you're in a serious relatoinship with nad therefore should have been having sex with not your gold golem thingy!" exclaimed the note maliciously.

"MY GOLD IS NOT A PERSON! I CAN'T CHEAT WITH IT! THAT'S JUST MASTER BAITING!" I SCREAMED IN RAGE. Now I was gonna die because Navel was a sillyhead! Grr.

"Wait, epica! I have a idea!" said dragon cleverly. He took my hand and apparated to where Navel was.

Then hermione came.

"HEY, YOU CAN'T APPARATE IN HOGWARTS!" hermione shouted like mad.

"BUT I'M A DRAGON SO I CAN BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT!" I shouted like mad back.

"WELL IF I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT INTO CONSIDERATION! YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO APPARATE AS FAR AS I KNOW!" shouted hermione like even madder, nad she stormed off.

But Navel was there with my gold but suddenly I wasn't abele to breath my fire lightning because I didn't have my gold. And my right hand fell off and crumbled to dust. Navel and dragon gapsed. "Why are you dying Ecupa?" asked Navel.

"Because you stole my gold, dummy, but i'm not supposed to tell you that but I am going to tell you that!" I exclaimed. Navel looked ashammed. "Sorry epcia, I din't know. Ill give your gold back." and he did. So I din't die but unfortunately I now had to eat navel and dragon because they knowed too much, so I did, turning into my dragon form and swallowing them both whole. And then I went back up to my gryfinndiorm crying because I had to do that and they were dead. And I cried myself.

The end.

MEANWHILE IN EPICA'S STOMACH:

Dragon was letting navel hold the omelet I gave him so they were both alive.

"This Freaking sucks!" said dragon irritably.

"Yeha!" ogreed Navel.

"Let's break out of here and kick her dragon tail! (ROOFFFLLLLMAAOOO GET IT? CUZ A TAIL IS AN ASS?! LOL!)" said dragon agnrily.

"Yeha!" agreed Navel.

OR IS IT?!


End file.
